Ghostless

Warning: Incoherent/pointless thoughts.

Soooo...exam's over. xD 22nd June can't come soon enough.

My soul left ever since PH1123 paper. 8 long questions and 20 MCQs (negatively marked! -0.333 for each wrong answer!) in 2 hours is just..mean. I'm lucky PH1124 was pretty much a sweetheart. Though it was the first time ever in my life that I only slept for 2 hours the night before. Now that's what I call crazy, since I believe in the power of good sleep. But poor girl's had too much to revise. The curse of the human physiology module. And why on earth am I writing this anyway? None of you care. Lol.

Summer's in the air and boy who am I kidding, it's hot! And stuffy. I can't open my eyes wide because the sun is too bright. Now with the exams over, I thought I'd die of the suffocating boredom. I'd love to go out and go to the park or something, but I'm reluctant because of the heat. Girl can't possibly get anymore tanned, can she? >< Plus, sunburn can be painful.

I'm bracing myself for the comments like "Uuu berisi nampak" and "Eh macam gemuk sikit la sekarang" and of course "Suka hati la tuu berat naik tuu (then throws a question about whether or not I have a boyfriend for good measure pfft)". Those I can handle, but I don't want to hear anything about "complexion turns darker". As if gaining weight isn't bad enough.

Oh well girl doesn't care anyway. I have a long list of 'must-eat food' once I step my feet in Malaysia, weight gain be damned. Haha.

Did I contradict myself too much? Okay I did. It's too hot I can't think straight. And I'm not even trying to be sarcastic.

Coincidences?

I've heard of 'There are no coincidences in this world.'

I think so too. The concept of fate and destiny. We plan, but He is the best planner.

There is also something along the lines of 'He won't change your fate unless you work to change it yourself'.

My mind is in a confused state as of now. A total chaos. There are too many coincidences so I'm not sure if they are really coincidences or not. Fate is sure strange.

If they really are coincidences, should I let them pass and shrug it off as nothing?
"There are signs for those who think."
What should I do if they are not mere coincidences, but fate? Or is fate equivalent to coincidence?

Like I said, there are too many coincidences. Doesn't this mean something? Anything at all?
If there really is nothing, why the cross-paths? I am sure it must mean something. Even though this falls under the category of Love That Cannot Be, does it really carry no meaning?

Should I act, or wait? Or perhaps forget it and carry on with life? Which is it?

If I were to act, it would be too shameful such that I won't be able to handle the embarrassment.
If I were to wait, what if it takes forever? It IS going to take forever.
If I were to shrug it off as nothing and carry on, my mind is too troubled because of the many coincidences and path-crossings.

I guess the best option now is the last one; Go to sleep.


"In the end, I am only a fan, not even a friend, despite the years that left us both behind. It's a shame."

Juxtaposition

I'm done with my first paper a few hours ago and thank God it wasn't so much of a disaster like the January papers. Based on my calculations, it's possible to pass this one hopefully and there's 45% chance to get 70 and above. Well, 49.7% if my lecturers are lenient enough.

Though the chance to be the best student and win GBP150 has long been blown away (you dare to dream, girl? Lol), I have to do better this time and avoid getting kicked out from the school. Apparently this is more important.

/Complaints
There are too many drug names. Not only names and indications, but I have to know the age requirement and contra indications as well which is just crazy. I remember imidazole cream and terbinafine cream for athlete's foot treatment, but the question wants THREE and I was about to go crazy because I couldn't remember. I went home and check the notes (bad girl, bad girl) and found out they're tolnaftate and undecenoates and I went hmphh patut lah tak hingat nak sebut pun berbelit lidah cis. And I couldn't remember from what age clotrimazole cream can be used so I recommend it to the baby with the napkin rash and yeast infection anyway. I was confused with the spelling of salicylic acid and wrote it as 'salicyclic' and noticed it at the very last minute and I'm glad I changed it. Agh damnyouuu memories and drug names waa TT TT
/End of complaints

Anyways. My next paper is on the day after tomorrow so I have to go back to studying. It's PH1123: Structure and Functions of Cells and Microbes. The fact that it is my favourite subject doesn't make it any easier. Sigh.

Let's work hard, shall we? Apparently it's not easy to become an excellent pharmacist. Rough journey ahead. May He ease my ways through (and yours).

Reflection

Roughly a week before my first paper. I dread that day to come, but at the same time I just want to get it done and over with - so June will come faster - because I miss home too much. I'm telling you, I'm using the last ounce of the strength I have to keep holding on.

Well at least this means I'm not heartless after all? I'm glad.

I don't know why but I have this feeling that I'm becoming worse. Sometimes I feel like I'm being so cold-hearted and I wonder, where did the warmth go? I realise I changed, but this..this is too much. I mean, where did I go?

I'm using my pain as an excuse to be this way, which I know I shouldn't have. I know time passes by and I did move on, but the wound doesn't heal. I waited and waited, but it just doesn't heal. Whoever said time heals? You liars. Time just makes me forget.

I think I lost myself somewhere in the process of moving on..maybe because I was too rushed. I should go back and search. And maybe eat ice-cream on the way.

By the way, someone posted this on FB;
Andai kasturi hilang harum
Mawar tak berkuntum
Cinta tak bersambung
Biar emas setinggi gunung
Kan kupeluk rimbun ampun
Rahmat yang Maha Agung

It's a verse of Ramli Sarip's song. Made me smile. ;) Thank you!
I'm glad these little things (and certain people) remind me to Him. I'm tired of all those political shenanigans and dishonesty. And people just say whatever they want even when the truth is twisted and hazy.
I'm glad there are still intelligent people out there, not just morons. Can't stand them. *shrugs

Anyways. May is still cold. It's chilly outside ... and inside.